Can't Nobody Hold Us Down
by MissLauraKinney
Summary: In which Remus and Lily are moderately tumblr-famous, Sirius is looking for a way out of his life of hell by chatting up random guys on the internet, and Peter just wants them all to stop pining already. Or the Maruaders AU where Lily's attempt to get Remus to online date backfires spectacularly and leaves him with an annoying internet pen-pal who just wont go away.
1. Chapter 1

_Remus_

**_Lily_**

**Sirius**

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 4:30]

**_Have you checked the account yet?_**

_It's been fifteen minutes since you posted the pic, I highly doubt anything important could have happened…_

**_It's not about that, it's about the dating site! It spit out a match today!_**

_:/_

**_Don't give me that. you agreed to go out with one person I chose from the dating site every month, you only got away clean by messing with the notification settings so I wouldn't see any matches. _**

_No matter how many times you bring that up, I am not going to apologize for it. _

**_Remus I stg I will personally have you de-balled if you don't at least message this person. _**

**_Oooh, they have a link to their tumblr, why don't you message them there, might make you feel more comfortable….._**

**_I could even write the message for you, if you'd prefer. _**

**_Remus if you decided to ignore me right after I told you the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS I'VE GOTTEN ALL DAY I WILL PERSONALLY SEND THIS CHURRO TO THE LAND DOWN UNDER_**

_alright, alright, I'm sorry_

_for the record I was taking a piss, so you can stop it with the threats._

**_Why do you feel the need to practically live-blog me your entire routine? Never mind, just, check your messages, okay? I sent you his url_**

_HIS? Lily, we've been over this how many times? _

**_Just trust me on this one, okay? He's s00per cute…._**

_I can't believe you expect me to trust you after what you did to frank last week_

**_I told you, that was an accident. Now go mssg him! NOW!_**

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius by a very anxious Remus Lupin at 5:15]

_Hey, so I was going to comment on the pic you have of your family's abstract art collection, but then I saw your selfie face and I couldn't resist messaging you some scathing remarks._

**Your not that friend of james's are you? Cause, if I'm being honest, I don't think I can handle another three-hour-long conversation about art and its influence on modern society.**

_…I can't tell if you're being serious or not…_

**I'm actually always sirius, believe it or not. But more to the point, are you or aren't you james's friend?**

_Seeing as I don't know anyone named James, I'm going to go with no, I'm not his friend._

**oh**

**are you hot?**

_That's your first question? Am I hot? _

**Does that mean your ugly then?**

**You probably are. I bet you sit around reading all day in some posh boarding school or something**

[Text sent from a very perplexed Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 5:20]

_Dear god help me I think I've made a mistake_

**_What could you have possibly done now?_**

_SO I sent a message to that url you sent me_

**_and? and? Is he nice? Are you going to go out with him?_**_umm, no. I'm really considering never messaging anyone you want me ever again. Hang on, I'm gonna send a screen-shot._

_Did you get it?_

**_It's really not that bad. I think he's got you quite pegged, actually._**

_LILY_

_the point is he insulted me. Can't you pretend to be on my side just this once?_

**_Umm, no._**

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius at 5:23 ]

_I'm not going to answer that. I'm pretty sure no self-respecting Brit ever would._

**You don't have to, I can use my imagination. **

**I'm betting really short and fat**

** with bright orange hair**

** and bad spots. **

**How long are you going to let me go on before you cave and send me a selfie to prove me wrong?**

_Try never. _

**Aww I can practically hear your frustration through the phone. reminds me of this puppy I had once that never listened, but always got really confused about why he was getting in trouble**

_Why are you still talking to me? I stopped caring what you were saying ages ago_

**Fine, I guess I wont talk you anymore.**

_good_

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 8:30 am]

**_Remus_**

**_Remus_**

**_remus remus remus_**

_What? It's too bloody early for this shit lily, just tell me whats up_

**_Guess who got 15,000 notes on her latest post?_**

_I'm guessing you since no one on my side of the phone answers to female pronouns._

**_Hardy har_**

**_But seriously_**

**_It happened and it's beautiful_**

**_Did you fall asleep again?_**

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 9:45]

**_I'm going to hope that you're asleep right now, not ignoring me, for the sake of your soul_**

_I was asleep, okay? _

_chill_

**_awful fast response for someone who was asleep…_**

_Shut up, you. What was so fucking important you had to wake me at six in the morning?_

**_Remus, it was eight thirty…. _**

**_whatever, I forgive you. So the notes thing_**

**_the post may have you in it_**

_Again? _

**_Yes, again. The people love you, okay. They love us together._**

_Oh Lily. I don't like where this is going…what kind of together?_

**_….together together_**

_Really. And why would they want that?_

**_I'm hot, your hot, together we're an inferno of sexiness. The usual_**

_Can you at least tell me you discouraged this?_

**_Are you asking me to lie, Remus? _**

_God fucking damnit why do you do these things to me? I get like, two days a month to sleep in, and you chose one of them to wake me up early and tell me things you know I don't want to hear_

**_Remus, come on. All I'm asking is that you be my tumblr boyfriend for a while_**

**_Then when the time is right I'll post some break-up song lyrics and some depressed quotes to get everyone curious, and then I'll write a post out with the entire story of our torrid romance that ended in heartbreak. I reach my goal of another 250 followers, and you get out of this relationship the easy way. Win-win._**

_How can you consider anything about this a win/win situation? More like win/remus lupin gets completely and royally screwed._

**_Oh, don't be such a drama queen. I swear it'll be fine, fun, and easy_**

_….._

_….._

_….._

_…._

_:/_

**_You stop that now! _**

_…._

_…_

_…._

_:(_

**_Stop it!_**

_….._

_…._

_…._

**_I stg lupin u ss_**

_Okay fine_

_I'll do it_

_But you have to promise that every time you bother/wake me before ten for the next two years you owe me a chocolate bar. _

**_….._**

**_Fine._**

[Kik from Sirius Black to R. Lupus at 12:00]

**heeeeyyy**

_what._

**Well, my friend James may have explained that some of the things I said to you on tumblr the other day may have been sort of rude…**

_Is this an apology?_

**Maybe**

**It could also be a thinly veiled attempt to get a selfie out of you**

_I'm going to pretend it's an apology because it's the better (and less creepy) of the two options_

_Speaking of which, how did you find me here?_

**I noticed you'd blocked me on tumblr, so I poked around a little and found you on a bunch of other sites**

**Figured I'd message you there till you accepted my apology**

_Fine, well, apology accepted._

**Cooool, I guess I'll leave you alone then**

_I guess I'll unblock you _

[Skype message from Padfoot to .5 at 3:50]

**So your kind of cute**

_I'm sorry, who is this?_

**Oh, sorry, it's me**

**I mean whysosirius from tumblr**

_Are you internet stalking me?_

**…maybe a little**

_May I ask why?_

**Knock yourself out, but don't expect an answer**

_Didn't you promise to leave me alone?_

**I have bad short-term memory, you can't expect me to remember promising that**

_Right, of course you couldn't be expected to do something like remembering a promise you made three hours ago_

**Of course not**

**So anyway**

**Your cute**

_Please go away_

**Aww you don't mean that**

_No, I really, really do. Please leave me alone now_

**Only if you promise to send me a selfie tomorrow**

_Why_

_You said you'd seen me_

_Why would you want to see more?_

**Maybe I liked what I saw….**

**Plus you only have like, six posts on your account, and at least three of them were book quotes**

**I just want to make sure you actually have a personality**

_Haha okay whatever_

**Is that a yes?**

_Okay fine yes_

_Will you leave me be now?_

**Fine**

**But I want a promise that your sparkling personality won't go anywhere while I'm gone**

_I'll try, but I may forget by tomorrow._

**Wow, good one, so mature**

_Goodbye "padfoot"_

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 4:00]

**_Where is it?_**

**_Wut did you do with it?_**

_Do with what?_

_Did you go off your meds again?_

**_haha, Lupin, good one._**

**_I'm serious tho_**

**_The messages you sent whysosirius_**

**_Where did they go?_**

_uhh, Lily? Did you ever consider the possibility that I might have used my personal account to message him….?_

**_Oh_**

**_It didn't_**

**_I just figured that, since I'm your best friend, you wouldn't have thought you had to hide that from me…_**

_Lily, as much as I love you, do you really think I want to go messaging a guy on an account called EvaLupinKisses with you kissing my cheek as the icon? _

**_I'm pouting rn_**

**_In case you can't tell_**

_Fine, the next time I decide to sext a hot guy, I'll make sure to do it on the group account, okaay?_

**_I guess I can live with that_**

_I'm rolling my eyes rn_

_In case you can't tell_

**_Boo you, whore_**

_G'bye Lily_

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius at 4:00 am]

_I wasn't sure where to send you the selfie_

_It's like, s00per l8 don't judge_

_So I made the educated decision to send it to all the accounts I know you on…._

_It retrospect I regret that decision_

_I might just stop sending talking now and wait for you to wake up and be appalled. _

[Skype message sent from .5 to Padfoot at 4:37 am]

_Are you awake and appalled yet?_

_Are you?_

[Kik from R. Lupus to Sirius Black at 7:00 am]

_I'm thinking more rationally now and I want to apologize._

_Can you message me back pls_

[Kik from R. Lupus to Sirius Black three days later]

_Okay, I'm gonna take that as a hint and stop messaging you_

_Blink once if you'd like that_

_yeah, okay, bye._


	2. Chapter 2

_Remus_

**_Lily_**

**Sirius**

James

* * *

[Skype message sent from Padfoot to .5 at 5:00 am]

**Oh shit mate I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't trying to ignore you okay?**

_okay_

_so what were you doing then?_

**being an ass**

**not on purpose, I got my phone taken away by my parents**

**I really would have messaged you back, I swear**

_I believe you_

**Good**

**So selfies**

_Yes? What about them_

**I expected something more…..dignified**

_I'll have you know I felt extremely dignified taking those photos._

**You look like your hanging upside down off the back of a couch**

_Love seat._

**touché. **

**Am I allowed to ask why?**

**Wait, will you answer if I ask?**

_no and no_

**why?**

_*shrug* spiderman angle is my best angle_

**You think your best angle is the one taken straight from one of the worst kiss scenes in movie history?**

_I'm sorry, how is upsidedown kissing in the rain after saving her life a bad kiss scene? _

_Wait wait wait_

_You aren't a Garfield guy are you? _

**So what if I am?**

_Oh lord_

_I don't think I can talk to you anymore! i boycotted the amazing spiderman movie for a year because of Garfield. Toby Maguire is the only way to go._

**But you qatched it eventually so you have to agree that story-wise it was 10x better, the cinematography was 100x better and andrews acting made toby look like a toddler playing dressup for Halloween**

_I don't _have_ to do anything. except stop talking to you. We clearly can't be friends anymore_

**Agreed. You take the cat and leave my sweaters?**

_Now we're quoting SONG LYRICS?_

_Bitch please_

**bitch please?**

_oh, sorry. That's my friend Lily's would seem ive' started adopting her (questionable) language choices_

**I think it's fucking hilarious**

**she must talk like a valley girl**

_surprisingly no. more boho hipster with a twist of modern street grunge_

**?**

_Sadly tht was a direct quotefrom her. no clue what it means_

**Just another mystery **

**ahh I gotta go now**

**apparently pretending to be in the shower doesnt work if you forget to turn the water on**

**catch u on the flip side**

_oookay_

_bye then_

[Text sent from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 5:50 am]

_I hope your awake_

_Like, awake enough to text me back about something incredibly important_

_pleeeeeease_

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 8:00 am]

**_i'm texting you back at a reasonable hour like a normal human being._**

**_What the fuck do you want_**

_he doesn't' like toby_

**_sorry, what now?_**

_He likes Andrew Garfield better!:(((((((_

**_Oh_**

**_Is this seriously about spiderman?_**

**_You finally got a mssg bak and all you can say is HE LIKES ANDREW GARFIELD BETTER?_**

**_WHO EVEN CARES()_**

_clearly not u_

_but u should_

_its fuckign importnant_

**_are you doing that thing where you make a big deal out of something random so you don't have to think about whats really freaking you out?_**

_….no_

_…..maybe_

_…..shut up_

**_Whatever you kno u love me_**

**_so whats the thing?_**

**_Its obviously a big deal_**

_not really. He just ignored me for threee days and thenthen texts back "oh shit mate I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't trying to ignore you okay"_

_WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT TO MEAN?_

**_more context pls_**

_then he said he was in trouble and his phone got taken away. _

_Also that he was hiding in the shower_

**_HE WAS TEXTING YOU IN THE SHOWER AND YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO TELL ME BEFORE_**

_um, it wasn't_

_he was hiding there FULLY DRESSED so he could talk to me without his parents noticing_

_evidently they did bc he had to leave again_

**_oh_**

**_well whatever_**

**_he still thought about you in the shower_**

_can we not?_

_Pls?_

**_Okay fine._**

**_When are you coming over?_**

_soon. Mum just laid down for a nap, should be able to head over in a few_

**_great! We need to talk strategy for this "vacation in Prague" photoshoot thing_**

_can you even find prague on a map?_

**_Just hurry over, assbutt_**

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 4:15 pm]

Why didn't you wait for me?

I specifically told you to wait for me after school

**i decided to quit school and travel the world playing tambourine in a band of gospel gypsies. **

Come on mate, it's fucking pouring out here

Just swing back around and pick me up

It'll take twenty minutes tops

I KNOW YOU AREN'T IN THIS MUCH OF HURRY TO GTE BACK HOME SO WHATS UP WITH YOU

**I'm busy**

You have no friends

**I have homework to do?**

we made a pact in year three that neither of us would ever do any

**MAYBE I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW OKAY**

How bad is it

**…**

**bad**

well I still don't' want to fucking walk home in the rain

come get me and you can crash at my place for the night

**or forever?**

Or forever.

[Facebook message sent to Remus Lupin from Sirius Black at 6:00 pm]

**I'm booored**

**entertain me**

_what will you do if my answer is no?_

**cry myself to sleep like a man**

**should I count it as a win that you aren't even questioning me finding you random places?**

_Or you could count it as a sign that you should get psychological help_

_Either works_

**i take it back **

**don't try to entertain me **

**your mean**

_you're not much better yourself_

**T-T**

**you wound me**

**also james says hi**

_the friend with the art friend?_

**Basically, yeah**

**He's been bugging me to say hi for three minutes. I think he thinks I'm talking to someone he knows**

_uh huh_

**are you silent;y judging me? **

**You are arent' you!**

_Who, me? no never_

**you may honestly be the most judgmental person I have ever met**

**and I sat next to someone for twenty minutes today just criticizing their taste in lunch meat**

_was it corned beef?_

**aioli bologna**

_*gag*_

_they clearly needed to be chastised. _

**Obviously**

**I'll talk to you later, gotta save my battery**

_You don't own a charger?_

**i left it at home**

_oh_

_talk to you later, then._

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin:]

**_ I said to wear nice clothes. you actually wore them, right?_**

_Of course I did_

_wait nice how? Church nice or funeral nice_

_wait or winter ball nice_

**_nice like clean, pressed, matching, cute, new-looking clothes_**

_do corduroy pants and converse count?_

**_*sigh*_**

**_Shirt?_**

_obviously wearing a shirt_

**_NO, _****what****_ shirt are you wearing?!_**

_The grey one with the v-neck_

**_oh that ones nice_**

**_hurry up and get here sson_**

**_I need you…._**

**_…to zip me up_**

_I'll get there when I get there. calm your tits_

**_Okay on a Sirius note_**

**_Do you like him?_**

**_You certainly mssg him a lot_**

_LILY_

_We are not talking about this right now!_

_Or ever_

**_I'm pouting again_**

_i still don't' care_

**_why don't you want to talk to me about this?_**

_maybe because you ruin everything good in my life?_

**_Is this because of the gay thing?_**

_what else would it be about?_

_Look, I don't really want to talk about this_

_can we just do the shoot and then go get takeaway?_

**_Yeah, no problem. _**

**_love you, bitch_**

_not your bitch_

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 5:30 am]

I forgot to ask: pop tarts or eggo waffles?

**I'm right upstairs, mate, walk ten steps and ask me to my face**

**Also pop tarts. duh.**

Just checking

How s the wrapping going?

**slowly**

**would be easier if you'd come help**

come on mate, I always help

lemme sit this one out to make breakfast

I might accidentally see something I don't want to

**Fine.**

**Send pete up when he gets here**

**He owes me **

We all owe you

doesn't mean I'm helping

**fuck you pretty boy**

I resemble that comment!

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 5:45 am]

The pop tarts are burning

like, full on on-fire burning

**did you put them in the oven again?**

Maybe

**Well theres your problem**

Get mum

please get mum

the kitchen is so smoky

**shit, we'll be right down**

[Facebook message sent from Sirius Black to Remus Lupin at 6:30 am]

**so james's house is on fire**

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

**Not a big deal, just some flames and lost of smoke**

_HOW IS THST NOT A BIG DEAL_

_ARE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL?_

**naw, I'm at the police station**

….

you got arrested

because… you set the fire?

**NO**

**James set it. with poptarts**

**It was an accident, okay?**

**But apparently with my record….I needed to be questioned thoroughly**

**at least I get out of school **

_why am I not seeing that as a brightside?_

**Maybe because you have a stick up your ass?**

_I can't believe you set a pop tart fire. _

_Did I hear something about a record?_

**oh**

**yeah, I have a bit of a record**

**cause I was a dumb kid**

**still am I guess**

_I've never even stolen paperclips from work before, I should probably stay aware from your bad-boy influences. _

_*away_

**I humbly accept the title of king of the troublemakers, and will forever stay at least twenty feet away from you in hopes my mischievous behavior wont rub off.**

_I'm shaking my head at you I'm so unimpressed_

**Hang on, I see an officer coming**

**He has handcuffs**

_WHAT_

_Sirius?_

_This is not a good place to end a conversation oh my god_

_Your doing this on purpose to scare me, aren't you?_

_Fine. I'm not talking to you, then._

[Text sent from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 6:45 am]

_He's in handcuffs_

**_CALL ME NOW_**

[Call to Lily Evans at 6:47 am]

_"Just to clarify, they aren't my handcuffs."_

**_"Well who the hells are they?"_**

_"….A police officers?"_

**_"What the fuck. He got arrested? Is this turning you on? Bad boys are hot, but what would your mother say?"_**

_"Lily, focus! He and his friend set the kitchen on fire and the police think he did it on purpose because he has, and I quote, 'a bit of a record.' And then he said he saw an officer coming, and they had handcuffs, and now he's not saying anything."_

**_"Just a question, if things don't work out between the two of you can I have him? He sounds perfect."_**

**_"_**_Lily…."_

**_"Alright, alright, don't groan at me. What do you want from me?"_**

_"Promise me I'm not making a mistake talking to him?"_

**_"I don't think I can do that. Do you want me to come over? School doesn't start till ten today,"_**

_"Yeah, sure. Come over. I'll make tea. And you can hold my phone so I don't text him anything stupid out of worry. NOT that I'm worried about him."_

**_"Haha, sure, whatever. See you soon, Remie."_**


End file.
